Your funeral was yesterday and I didn’t go. This whole thing is unreal.
Do you remember when I said goodbye to you before you left the beginning of the year? You hugged me and said “nigga bitch please”, you snapped your fingers and cocked your hip to one side. Do you remember that? I do. Megan does too.
Sometimes Megan and I say it to each other because of habit. It just slips out then we carry on speaking. I always think about you when we say it. I think she does to but I’m not sure.
I saw you on Facebook the other day, it was unreal but somehow it was my real. I stopped scrolling and stared at the photo of you and your name that had just popped up on my timeline. Of course it wasn’t you you it was just someone posting pictures of you, tagging you in happy memories.
I wanted to unfriend you because it felt strange having a Facebook friend that I knew would never again upload anything himself.
Simone stopped me, she said “just think about it Michalah, if you unfriend him you’ll never be able to friend him again. There will be no one to accept your friend request if you change your mind”. Of course she was right.
We were quiet after that, we were both thinking about you then.
I decided not to unfriend you, that way I’ll always be connected to you. Get it? Online? Connection? Do you remember my dry sense of humour?
I wanted to post something on Facebook when I heard what happened, something like “RIP Nicholas. You’ll always be remembered”, but I hate those posts, those clichés, so I didn’t do it.
In one of my favourite novels there’s a part that says:
“Funerals, I had decided, are for the living”
I can say the same about those Facebook posts. Those messages are for the living too, they are to let someone else know that they are not alone. We all feel your loss.
This letter isn’t really for you either. It’s more for me.
I wanted to say Hello, but now really I’m saying goodbye.
This time there’s no hug, and no laughter and no particularly fun memory.
In one of my other favourite novels it says that:
“you put the emphasis on life at the end”
So I’m putting the emphasis on your life Nic. I’ll remember the way you laughed, the way you said “nigga bitch please” and snapped your fingers. The way you rolled your eyes when I called you Ni-Klaus in a sing-song voice. I’ll remember the way you always slapped my arms when I annoyed you and the way you constantly interrupted me when I spoke to annoy me in return.
So now, at the end, I’m putting the emphasis on your life.